WARNING: May include humor, some slight satire, and a sprinkling of truth - proceed with caution:
LIVE from the Situation Room at the Mar-a-Lago resort, it's time once again for Sean "Oops, I Did It Again" Spicer's "Alternative News Re-Whine," where we ignore the real news and just focus on the snowflake so-fake news.
Top headline this week is the Orange Maestro's address to Congress, where the Orange One mused how great and terrific he was, how sad his enemies were, and the Republicans in Congress nodded their heads in loving approval, blowing kisses and letting their arms float up in a openhanded salute.
In other, not so important news, there was another terrorist attack, following up attacks in Bowling Green, Atlanta, and Sweden. This, according to Baghdad Sean occurred at La La Land, where the Hollywood elites allowed a Muslim to reportedly kidnap a hostage named "Oscar."
According to Spice Boy, the "snowflakes" in Hollywood were so busy picking on the Great, the Holy One, the Orange Master of the Universe that they screwed up big time.
The President of the United States, Steve "Dark Lord" Bannon, continued to have no comment on the news, saying instead he was too busy pulling strings. Plus, it was not night time yet, and he is "allergic" to daylight.
The Other One in the White House, whose words and eloquent tweets have inspired a nation, has stated, however, that "it was so bad, so sad, the Hollywood terrorists led by mastermind Meryl Streep, who is just so overrated, are just sooo inept, they just can't do anything right, and their ratings were so low. I mean, I got higher ratings on my wonderful show, "The Apprentice."
"Sphincter" Spicer revealed that there was no truth in the rumor that an unidentified Russian agent was seen backstage handing out red Valentine's day cards to Pricewaterhousecoopers accountants, thanking them for their wonderful work tabulating electoral votes during the recent election.
When asked his opinion of the implication that Russia may have been involved in this terrorist attack, Vladimir (Ras)Putin responded by saying, "Nonsense, nyet, that is complete nonsense. I was not at the Oscars talking to accountants and saying what a beautiful woman that Emma Stone is, you should tweet a picture of hers - I was not even there, I was in the Balkans riding barechested on my faithful horse, Donny. I like Warren Beatty, he did movie called "Reds," I would never hurt him, maybe Steve Harvey, but I would never interfere with American affairs. It is totally Bolshevik to even imply that. I am disgusted. You Americans just enjoy leaking false information, you even come to my country leaking. I have video. And, when you give me back Exxon oil? My good friend, Tillerson, says I get back my Exxon oil soon, yes?"
At that time, Clown Crier Spicer interrupted (Ras)Putin to say there was no news in Russia, they were just testing some missiles and subs near the East Coast, nothing to be afraid of, unlike all the terrorist attacks being launched by those mean liberals, fake media and courts, immigrant mothers, Muslim actors, the FBI (this time, they were good last time), and Hollywood elites.
"We need to focus on real news," added the Orange Highness, snort. The liberals are so mean, so so mean. It's just sad. I think Obama is behind all of this. There are also rumors that Republicans have been reported missing, not to imply that there is any dasterdly deed behind all of this, I mean, I didn't say it, but others are talking. There are milk cartons with pictures of missing Republican lawmakers. And, even my faithful Eva Braun, er, I mean, Kellyanne Conway has been missing ever since she was seen tweeting among a group of black people." Snort.
Bubblegum Spicer confirmed that Propaganda Minister Conway has been missing, last seen on a White House sofa, but there is no truth to the rumor that she was accidently deported hawking Ivanka scarves.
Spice Boy also added that there was also no truth to the rumor that Edukation Secretary Betsy DeVos had been homeschooling the Pricewaterhousecooper accountants in "mastamastic, er, I mean, arizmectic, sigh, I mean math."
The Orange Mastedon then continued with his rant, "Fake news, all fake news! These liberals are just so mean, all they do is whine. Sad. My administration and I will never whine and cry about what people say about me. I mean, I tweet every night reminding my supporters that. And, they love me. I had the biggest inauguration ever! I have friends on Facebook who tell me that they comment on their friends' pages that they are sick and tired of liberals moaning and whining ..."
When a reporter from the Washington Post interrupted and stated, "Your supporters say they do not moan and whine on their own pages because they spend so much time moaning and whining on the pages of friends they don't agree with . . ."
The Master Debater countered, "FAKE NEWS! FAKENEWS! Ban him! Deport him! Not true. So sad. Always picking on me, poor, poor me. I just love people, and all I get is this, people trying to obstruct everything I'm trying to do to make this country grate. I would never do that to anyone."
Mar-a-Lago Door Bouncer Mitch "Tooter Turtle" McConnell agreed, saying, "It . . . is wrong . . . to obstruct . . . a President . . . from doing . . . his job . . . I have . . . . no respect . . . for anyone . . . who would . . . do . . . that."
With that, Spicer Tickler said that time was up for this edition of the "White House Re-Whine" and that he just had one more update, that the the Swedish IKEA agents are still piecing together the massacre in Sweden and that the obviously Muslim terrorist group, known only as ABBAs, is still at large. The White House will continue to block, ban, and deport un-Americans everywhere.
Frederick Douglass still had no comment.